“what’s the worst feeling in the world?”
this question has always been easy to answer. no doubt.
disappointment. it goes both ways – i don’t want to be disappointed, and i sure as hell don’t want to be a disappointment.
and yeah, that also means i don’t quite allow myself to feel happy — it’s textbook. the only way to avoid disappointment is to avoid putting myself in situations where i can be let down. blah blah blah… it must sound so… cynical to people who don’t share the same opinion.
this isn’t news to me, but it’s weird – for the first time in my life, i actually have a problem with this. i feel upset with myself knowing that i run away from almost every opportunity to be loved, or to feel any strong good feelings in general. i feel angry that i can’t have expectations for others’ roles in my life. i feel confused about my inability to fully allow people to partake in my life and actually walk alongside me. but to be honest, my terror of feeling disappointed is still greater than my desire to feel happy.
naturally, i turned to the bible. and… as far as i can tell, Jesus doesn’t say much about finding happiness here on earth. in fact, my first encounter with Jesus was in 6th grade, where He showed me that although the people around me will fail, He never will.
psalm 37:4 – “delight yourself in the Lord…”, phil 4:4 “rejoice in the Lord always…”, proverbs 16:20 “whoever gives thought to the word will discover good…”, matthew 25:21 “enter into the joy of your master”, john 15:11 “these things i have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full” — it goes on and on and on.
the obvious truth is that true, pure happiness and joy come from above.
then… where does that leave me with finding joy on this earth? from what i can see (and i admit i could be wrong), we are told that perfect joy comes from above because we, on earth, are flawed humans, incapable of creating perfect joy.
i don’t believe i am blind to the joy that comes with Jesus Christ. i believe it’s a great joy that sets you on fire, just… truly, truly burning for Him. true joy is ineffable.
then why do i feel as though i’m not satisfied? could it be that i’ve fallen away from that joy? has my fire died out?
and if all i need is the joy that comes with knowing Jesus, does that mean my current mindset is perfectly fine? i’m not fully okay with it, but i’m not sure where to turn.
i dunno, God. this one’s up to You. clearly, i’m blind to so many things. today, i’m praying for the wisdom and ability to see beyond the things directly in front of me, for the strength to trust you with every part of my life, and for a gentle, yet effective lesson. ignite my fire once again. i want to burn for You, and only You.